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 NAUTICAL JOKE PAGE
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"Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down." "That I am lassie", said the sailor, " It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!" "That's a shame sweety, how bad does it get ?" "Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"
As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore. As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?" The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."
The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was, apparently, trying to get a medical discharged from the navy. "What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor. "I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor. "I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was a puppy!"
A man approached a overworked travel agent and said, "I want to buy a cruise line ticket to Norwald." The ticket agent quickly search his destination book, "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... Let me see... Norwald. That sound familiar but I don't see Norwald listed." The travel agent in a sweat excused himself and disappeared into a back office. Upon returning and more than a little flustered he said, "I-I-I can't fa-fa-find it on the map, just where in the heck i-i-is Norwald, anyway?" To that the man responded, "In the car. He's my brother-in-law."
John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said, "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" The other man said, "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good, you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait. The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish. John approached the man and asked "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" "Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait." John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try. On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish. John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good . "Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor". "No," said the man, " I'm a Rabbi."
A man and his wife went on a four-day luxury cruise. The wife was slightly more than **garrulous. In fact, she never shut her mouth. She talked at breakfast, while they were lounging on deck, at lunch, at play, and all through the night. But the husband was used to this and accepted his lot in life. On the fourth morning, the man and his wife were standing at the bow of the ship when a lurch caused the wife to fall overboard. A crew member, seeing her bobbing up and down in the water, ran to the husband and said, "Sir, your wife has fallen overboard! The husband said, " Oh thank God, I thought I had just gone deaf! ____________________________________________________________________________ **gar·ru·lous adj. 1. Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative. 2. Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech. [From Latin garrulus, from garrºre, to chatter.] --gar“ru·lous·ly adv. --gar“ru·lous·ness n.
A doctor, examining the first mate, asked, " When was the last time you had relations with a woman. The first mate replied, " About 1960." The doctor was more than a little surprised and said, "That was a long time ago!" The first mate said. " Tell me about it doc. It's already 1300 hours on the day after."  There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!" A special thanks to AVYC member Bill from Wilmington MA for this joke. My wife also said it was fine. She is a blonde ...most of the time....OK, I'll be leaving home now!
From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him," Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise. Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one"
The swabbie could hardly swallow the liquid in the cup. He called over to the cook and said, "This coffee is sort of funny. It tastes like cocoa." The cook grabbed the cup, took a sip, made a face and said, "No wonder. I gave you tea!"
Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were out on the lake bright and early one morning. They sat silently as they fished. Each kept very still so as not to frighten off any fish. After six hours, John shifted his feet. Paul said, "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or dance?"  
  The captain of the cruise liner fell down the stairs on to the promenade deck. The cruise director saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, " did you miss a step?" "No," said the captain," I'm pretty sure I hit every one!  Two Men in a Boat Pages An experiment took place on a student science research boat. A young student was studying a crab. In order to understand better the crab's motor capabilities, he tore off two walking legs and placed a piece of tasty bait in front of the crab. The crab crawled to the bait and devoured it. He then tore off two more legs and again placed some bait on front of the crab. Once again the crab crawled to the bait and ate it. Finally the student removed the last two walking legs and again placed the bait. The crab, this time, never moved. The student, very excited, reported his initial findings to his instructor. "If all of a crustacean's legs are removed it either loses it's eye site or appetite; more information to come!"
Paula and John were walking along the shore, their souls intertwined in great love. John gazed out to sea and said poetically, " Blue Ocean, roll out...roll out to the setting sun!" Paula clasped her hands together, Oh John," she shrieked, " it's doing it!!"
A Boater's Blessing from Yesterday: May there always be water under your boat, May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat, May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day, May the compass and charts always show the safe way, May you find gentle harbor as every day ends, May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends. A Boater's Blessing Today According to AVYC Member Steve Madden: May your out drive be saved after hitting that rock, May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock, May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard, May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord, May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth, May you someday owe less than the damn boat is worth. ©2001 Steve Madden / Printed with permission of author. Thanks Steve very much..Good work! Jim Original work submitted by Steve Madden. For reprint requests please use the "Contact Us" link on our home page. We will pass it on.
A man who had never been to the ocean before finally went to the beach for the experience. Afraid to go into the water, he asked the lifeguard if he could bring him a bucket of sea water so that he could wet himself a little. Over a period of two hours, the lifeguard brought him over two dozen buckets of sea water. Grateful, the man gave the lifeguard a ten dollar tip. Returning the next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide. Looking around he said to the lifeguard, "You've been doing a lot of business!"
A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw. The man asked what happened. The waiter said, "It must have been in a fight." "Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"
A Londoner was punting down the Thames when his oar slipped out of his hands. He drifted aimlessly when his path crossed that of a rowboat. In the rowboat was a man and two young women. The punter called over, "Sir, will you lend me one of your oars?" The rower became furious and answered sharply, " They're not 'ores! They're my two sisters!"
We would like to give you credit for your submission of your nautical joke so please provide us with your first name along with your city and state. |
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