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The Good Old
Titanic
Arriving at port the fishing boat
captain was approached by one of his new crewmen.
"Captain, sir ", said
the young fellow," I would like to introduce you to my Great Aunt Mary." After
exchanging pleasantries the crewman and his aunt left.
The next morning
while preparing to leave port the crewman thanked the captain for his time with
his aunt. "She loves boats", said the crewman, "You know all my life growing up
she told me many stories of when she was on the Titanic!"
"Are you
telling me that your aunt survived the sinking of the Titanic?!!" exclaimed the
shocked captain.
"Wow!" said the crewman, "that's why your the captain,
sir. All those years and that's one question I never thought to asked her!"
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht
Club®
| Paint and One Hull of a Time |
John decided
scrape and paint the hull of his 21' foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much
paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat
had recently painted his, he gave him a call.
"Paul," he said, "How
many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?" "Six," said
Paul.
John went out and bought
six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!
Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for
my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."
"Yes," said Paul, "So
did I."
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All
Volunteer Yacht Club®
   
And You
Are??
The
years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard
drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a
double chin.
Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting
to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark
on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up
drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee he
looked 20 years younger.
During his final voyage his ship came up
against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was
floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how
could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "
God answered, "
To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"
©
2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht Club®
Timing is
Everything!
Sitting at the cruise ship's bar the man,
celebrating with his wife their 25th wedding anniversary with this cruise, was
lamenting his tumultuous marriage. "Years ago I hated my wife so much I
seriously considered killing her. I knew then that if I did I would get at
least 20 years in jail for second degree murder. A co-worker who discovered my
plans talked me out of it.
"Wow!" said the bartender, " that was a real
friend to do that for you!"
"He's no friend of mine!" said the man.
"Why not?" asked the bartender.
"Because, today I would be a
free man!"
First Mate Comes First!
The
Captain was angry and could barely contain himself. The sailing race of the
year was about to start but he confronted his First Mate anyway.
"I just
found out that you have been getting huge kickbacks from our suppliers which
made our costs double! Plus, I know you sold our new hull design to our biggest
competitor team!! I also understand that yesterday you fooled around with my
wife!!!
Visibly shaken
the Captain shouted, "This is unacceptable behavior and beyond what could ever
be forgiven!"
"You're absolutely right Captain"
said the First Mate, "I guess our winning streak together comes to an end
today!"
"Uh,
right.....well, all I have to say is one more stunt and you're off the
boat."
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht
Club® |
Skier Inbound
Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock.
Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he
drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body.
One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was
broken.
Kneeling over the man
Paul asked, "what happened?"
The
skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht
Club®
|
One Good Tern Will Do
It. |
A sailor
was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.The chief
petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the
sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor to,
"Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's
the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and commenced
performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle.
The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The Tern
left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.
The sailor
went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning
done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted
bird returned. In the morning the chief petty officer, came to checked the
sailor and his work.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night?
This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for
yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply,
"I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" |
The Perfect Holy
Storm!
The buyer of the sailboat
thought the seller was kidding when he told him he was buying a holy boat. His
instruction to the buyer was, " if you yell PRAISE THE LORD the wind will fill
your sails! The louder you yell the greater the wind. To stop the wind yell THE
DEVIL IS DEAD."
During his first trip out and feeling a little silly
he, in a modest tone uttered, "Praise the Lord". Poof, the sails billowed and
moved the boat through the water at a nice clip.
Was it a coincidence?
A little louder he yelled "PRAISE THE LORD", and the boat lurched
forward doing 30 knots!
Now excited and drunk with his newfound power
he yelled, "PRAISE THE LORD" three times in a row!
Suddenly the new
sailor realized what he had done! Winds of hurricane proportion started beating
his boat! How to make it stop? He could not remember the words!
With
his sails now in tatters and in fear of losing his boat the sailor suddenly
remembered, " THE DEVIL IS DEAD", he roared!
There was suddenly calm.
Shaken beyond belief the sailor fell on his back and looking to heavens
and in the loudest voice he could muster roared with relief, "PRAISE THE
LOOOORRRD!!!"
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht
Club®
Honest Teacher!
John and Paul were late to
school, the school bell having chimed through the small valley a half hour
before. The principal confronted the truants and asked where they have been.
John said, "I was dreaming that I was getting ready to go on a
steamboat trip to New Orleans. I thought the school bell was the boat leaving
and dreaming that I was too late decided I did not need to get out of bed.
The Principal asked Paul, " So, what do you have to say young
man?"
Paul said," I was on the dock waiting waiting for
John!"
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer
Yacht Club®
One day a diver was enjoying the
aquatic world at a depth of 20 feet. He noticed a guy at the same depth but he
had on no SCUBA gear!
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy
joined him.
The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy
joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out his board and marker, and
wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written,
and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
The Near Perfect Storm
A guest, on a private sailboat
on a compass heading to the Bahamas, had to hit the head. Excusing himself he
left the main cabin.
Shortly after, a sudden squall hit the ship. A
giant freak wave rolled over the vessel and, with a stress breach in the hull,
the boat began taking on water!
Just short of sinking and with his
guests and crew in the life boat, the captain realized someone was missing.
Working his way towards the aft cabins and fighting the onslaught of water
rushing in, he broke open the door to the head.
There stood the missing
guest. Shaken and confused he looked at the captain and said, "I don't
understand, all I did was pull the handle!" © 2000
MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht Club®
Once upon a time there was a
famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years
he guided merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates
get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However,
there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through
a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a
small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with
a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his
crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long
lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew
into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it
and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four
words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left, Starboard
Right.
Our special thanks to
Captain Bill's Nautical Page for this joke!
Those Pesky Green peace
People.
Sunburned and upset Sandy
returned to the office Monday morning.
"What's wrong Sandy?" asked one
of her co-workers.
"I've had it!" exclaimed Sandy " I'm going on a diet
once and for all!"
" Oh you don't look so bad", said the co-worker.
" Oh really?", pouted Sandy. " Sunday, I decided to go to the beach and
fell asleep. I woke up with four men from Green peace pulling on my arms and
legs and one was shouting" " Quick, lets see if we can slide it back into the
water!"
© 2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer
Yacht Club®
One day a frog goes into a
bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack," he
says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."
Patti furrows her brow
and asks, "Well, how much do you want to borrow?"
"$30,000," the frog
says.
"Really?" she asked, eyebrow raised. "Yes," he said. digging into
his pants pocket and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want
to use this as collateral."
"Okay," Patti said, accepting the elephant.
"I'll have to ask the president of the bank about this." "That's fine," he
said. "I'm sure he will vouch for me."
Patti walked into the president's
office and explained the situation. "There's a frog out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" (she
holds up the tiny pink elephant )as collateral. What the heck is this thing?"
The president said: "That's a knickknack, Patti Whack, give the frog a
loan. "
One day three traveling men came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other
side but had no idea as to how to do it.
The first man prayed to God
saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave
him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about
two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please
God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him
a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour.
The
third man seeing how this had worked for the other two also prayed to
God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to
cross this river." Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the
map, then walked to the bridge where she crossed in about 15
minutes.
By Brian Tank: © AV Yacht Club
2000
A magician was working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the
magician could do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started
shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers
under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the
Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but
couldn't do anything, it was after all, the Captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident
and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of
the ocean and with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but
did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where is the boat ?"
We
would like to give you credit for your submission of your nautical joke so
please provide us with your first name along with your city and
state. |
