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Nautical Jokes
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 Capt.- First Mate & Crew GearOvertons - The Best Place for Boating Stuff |
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The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked, " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?" The recruit scoffed, " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here! "Come on, use your imagination!" snaped the psychiatrist. "Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo. "And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist. "I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."
Building a Solid Base! A sailor, ran aground on a sandbar. A passing fisherman offered to tow the sailor's boat off the bar for fifty dollars and the sailor agreed. After he was off the bar, the sailor joked that at at $50 a pop the fisherman could make a nice living pulling people off the sandbar day and night.”“
After the boat was pulled into the dock, a stunningly beautiful woman disembarked with a parrot on her shoulder. “Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock hands. “Met her online,” replied the parrot.
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot." ~
Steven Wright Two sailors meet each other on a pier.  Say Again? A German radio operator, while monitoring the emergency channels, heard a distressed voice saying, "we are sinking, we are sinking", The operator keyed the mike and said, "Okay, what are you sinking about?"
Late one foggy night two boaters collide head-on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking. "You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives. The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river. More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed " You didn't take a drink!?" "Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."  Warning, Warning, Warning! Posted on the ship's Bulletin board: Due to the increased reports of excessive alcohol consumption the ship's doctor issues theses warnings. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering while your shipmates are trying to sleep. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your shipmates over and over again that you love them. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can dance and that falling down is part of that process. Dire Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are actually smarter than the captain.
You're Not Alone Sailor "Why such long face John?" asked the other seaman. "I don't know," said John "maybe It's just that we have been at sea for so long and I'm so depressed I cant seem to do anything right. Most of the time I feel so alone and useless!" Smiling and nodding in an understanding way, the other seaman said, "John, I don't know if this helps but let me assure you; you are not alone. Most of us on the ship feel you're useless too." News Flash One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!
“Dear Heart, I had a great dream last night about you.” “Oh? What was I doing?” She asked with a little giggle. ”You were buying me a new boat.” “How Nice.” Was her cool response, “ Tonight, why don’t you dream up a way to pay for your new boat?
But Things Have Changed Lord! God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said. Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull. “Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?” “There have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!” Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon. “aren't you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked. “What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”
A boater brings his boat up to a restaurant
dock to eat dinner. The dockhand says,
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here tonight. This establishment has a necktie policy for the evening meal and you are not wearing one." The boater said, "I'm sure I don't have a tie on my boat!" The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said, "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. I'm sure that will be okay." After some time, the boater emerged from his cabin sporting a pair of jumper cables. "Sorry", the boater said," but this is all I could find to put around my neck." Sighing, the dockhand said "okay, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything."
An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard
a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is
starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear
you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you
through that little round window over there!"
Nautical Lingo 2 The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short
cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All
the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his
father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the
pilot to let him take the helm.
"Okay", said the pilot , "but you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot. "If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear. "Good for you", said the pilot. "And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied, " Without ice."
First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate
pudding, would you?"
Second sailor: "No way, Jose!" First sailor: "Why not?" Second sailor: "It's against regulations to help another sailor to dessert!"
Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were
out on the lake bright and early one morning.
They sat silently as they fished. Each kept
very still so as not to frighten off any fish.
After six hours, John shifted his feet. Paul
said, "What is it with you? Did you come out
here to fish or dance?"
__________________________________________ The captain of the cruise liner fell down the stairs on to the promenade deck. The cruise director saw him fall and rushed to his aide. "Captain," he said, " did you miss a step?" "No," said the captain, " I'm pretty sure I hit every one!
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. The Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and shouted out ," Good Evening, Sir!" The Captain returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!". The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!" Then the Captain, pointing at the dog and said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"
It was my first week as a junior ship's engineer. I've been told that if the alarm rings, we should rush towards the muster station to escape immediately. One day I was sleeping after a full day of work. Suddenly I heard the alarm and immediately realized I needed to escape. I quickly put on my life jacket and started running in a panic. On the next deck, I saw the cadet walking casually . He asked me why I was running. I told him that the ship is in danger and I want to escape. He said, "Oh! You want to escape?" " Why are trying to jump off the boat? You can "escape" using the gangway." (I forgot the ship was berthed.... the alarm was just being tested). Submitted by S.Ganesh, Velur,Tamilnadu. India.
A sailor was marooned on a deserted island for 20 years. He was finally rescued by a merchant marine ship. As the sailor was packing his meager belongings the captain of the ship asked, "I noticed you have built four huts. You are the only person on the island. What are they for?" "Well", said the sailor, "this one is my residence, the second is my church and that third is my micro brewery where I make coconut beer." "That's very interesting", said the captain, " but, what about the fourth hut?" Oh", said the sailor, "That's the church I belonged to before I started drinking Coconut Beer."
A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the lady found her new friend laying on its back - feet pointed straight up. She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no..it can't be", cried the lady. The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out. Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out. "No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird." The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady. "That's Correct! I'm charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan."
There's a knock at the front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop. He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock. The man opens the door, looks down and there sits the same snail. The snail looks up and says, " Okay, what was that all about!?" Drew Carey, (Dirty Jokes and Beer)
Pat says to the Mike, "Where did you get that shiner? It's a dozy! " Mike said, "Do you know that cute women who is a nurse at the infirmary?" "Why yes I do", said Pat, "she is quite the looker! The word is that there has been some hanky panky between you and her. I also know that her husband just got back from sea duty!!" "That, my friend, is a little piece of information I could have used BEFORE I decided to visit her apartment, take a shower and when the bathroom door opened, jump out yelling surprise!!"
He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.
Getting a new girlfriend is a little like joining the Navy. You clean up, get a haircut, buy new cloths and any important information will be given to you strictly on a need to know basis.
-"Wow, I've never caught a fish that big!" -"Hey! Let's take our wives fishing!" -"My truck can't get through that!" -"Let's go shopping, fishing can wait." -"Hank, those hip boots make your butt look big and they don't match your belt!" -"Hey, we don't need to buy those fishing flies Melvin, let's send our wives flowers instead?" -"I don't think Duct Tape will fix that." -"I caught all those rainbows on night crawlers." -"I feel pretty guilty not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out here to fish!" -"Hey somebody come land this 20" rainbow for me. I need to straighten up the camp." -"I can't participate in National Hunting and Fishing Day cause my neighbor is throwing a tupperware party and I really need a mixing bowl." -"I think electronic fish finders should be banned." -"Come on , man - we can watch bass fishing anytime! Figure skating's on!!" -"We gotta throw this fish back, I don't think it will fit in the frying pan." Submitted by AVYC Member Phil of Bethel Island, CA 
Years ago, in Reader's Digest, was an article about the old diesel submarines. As the story goes, the boat was headed out to sea from Pearl Harbor when the Captain yells to a green seaman on the bow to "house the anchor". The seaman understood the captain was saying "How is the anchor?" So the seaman responded, "The anchor is fine." After several attempts to get the seaman to understand, the frustrated Captain said, "Oh hell let it go!" At which time the seaman knocks the chock out of the anchor chain. The anchor and 600 fathoms of chain roars out of the boat and when it reaches the end, takes out the bulkhead. Thanks
Bart!
A young Naval officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually rose to the rank of Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the new Admiral was interviewing three people for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was an accomplished submariner, and it was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a female Squadron Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The Admiral asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The Admiral threw her out also. The third interview was with a Navy Chief Petty Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers combined. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Chief said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Chief Petty Officer, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the Admiral asked. The sharp-witted Chief replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!" Submitted
by AVYC Member Larissa from Kingston Canada!
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini top!"
The captain of the whaler found himself in need of a lookout on short notice. The ship was scheduled to return to the hunt the next day and the owner of the whaler was very demanding and unpleasant when disappointed. The captain put out the word that a sharp-eyed lookout was needed and any candidates should report to the ship that evening at 1700 hours sharp. At the appointed time the captain arrived on deck finding only one candidate onboard; a very old looking man. "How old are you?", asked the captain. " I'm eighty years old last November and I have the sharpest eyes in town." said the old man. "Is that so?", laughed the captain. Knowing he could not read it himself, he said, "Tell me old man what does that sign say on the dock across the bay?" The old man said, " No fishing by order of the constable." The captain was shocked when he verified it using his telescope. That was exactly what the sign read! "Well, that's all well and good", said the captain, "but you'll never be able to get to the crow's-nest being a man of advanced years. "With that the old man took off and traversed up the mast, slapped the crow's-nest and returned to the deck in front of a totally shocked captain. "You're hired!" yelled the captain, "I have never been so impressed with a seaman than I am with you on this day. Report for duty, ready to ship out at dawn." The next morning after the old man had reported for duty, the ship's helmsman and harpooner visited the captain's cabin and expressed concern about the captain's new hire. "He's an old man", said the harpooner, "he'll never see the whales and I'll not know where to aim!" "Yes", said the helmsman, "and he must be too feeble to climb the mast to give me a heading to steer!" "Fear not", said the captain, " That old man is one of the best candidates for lookout I have ever seen. He'll do just fine." The whaler was out on the very next day and ready for action when the shout came from the crow's-nest, "Whaaaaale Ho!". Excitedly the captain yelled, " Great job lookout, in what direction does the whale swim?" There was no answer. Again the captain yelled, " what direction should the helmsman steer?" After a pause the answer came back,..... " I forget."
I'm not saying that Paul and John failed to properly clean up after their regular boating trips but the local restaurant that they frequented, started getting reservations requesting the "No Fishing" section!
The rich tycoon bought a luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation. It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool. All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting. The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh, daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"
A recreational boater, a tugboat crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer. (It must have been the special of the day). The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer." The tugboat crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and continued drinking. The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!" Submitted by AVYC Members Gail and Bobby. To the couple we offer our best AVYC Wave! The captain was lining up his sextant when a shooting star streaked across the sky. Observing this, the helmsman said to the captain, "Nice shot sir!"
Your Time is Not My Time A boat painter was
awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the
owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Submitted by Paul S of Kailua
Hawaii One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago. As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear, " I have something you want!" John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"
The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way. Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?", Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. " You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble'' Sent in by our friends at
Fishing
Adventures Thialand and also by AVYC Member Jean!To both we send
our best AVYC Wave!
We would like to give you credit for your submission of your nautical joke so please provide us with your first name along with your city and state. |
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